Foreclosure: Shame
There are no guarantees that your emotional
risk efforts will improve the relationship, but
they drastically raise the potential and
possibility.
Why is it that we have a tendency to curl up, alone, in our darkest hour of needing one another?
I was informed, recently, of a neighbor, who’s home is in short sale. She lives right across the way, in our complex. Formerly affable, social, in the mix, she now hides herself away, scurrying out of sight, keeping upstairs, even when potential buyers come through. She does not extend herself during community BBQ’s or stop to chat or look anyone in the eye, when she heads out the door to get mail from the community mailbox.
She appears to be terribly embarrassed, ashamed, and keeps to herself. Another neighbor, when the news of his home’s status was announced, could be heard sobbing, from deep inside his home, alone.
The irony of all of this, particularly sad state of affairs, is the california foreclosure/shortsale economic crisis is out of her control and is affecting nearly everyone in some way or another. She is not alone. Yet she’s too embarrassed to face any of us, in her community.
This level of toxic shame can be seen in interpersonal relationships, as well. One of the antidotes to toxic shame is to bring it out into the light, like an infected wound, so that it can heal. Left untreated, covered, and hidden, it can fall prey to infection. The human tendency, however, is to hide, cover, keep secret, particularly at times when we need each other most.
For some, it can be too revealing to share one’s core with a partner. Some theorize this is the existential fear of total annihilation. Others posit, what if you show, you, and you are not seen, not observed, not taken seriously, not cared for? In the attachment based theory of Emotionally Focused Therapy, the fear is specifically noted as “what if you are not there for me, when I reach for you?”
It seems one of the most difficult things to do is name the feeling and name the specific injury. It is so much easier to blame our partners, stay vague, stay global, stay non specific, and stay out of the feelings. The more specific we become, with what ails us, to whom we care about most, the higher the emotional temperature. The more we connect with it. The more potential for healing.
If you are a numbers person, picture the percentages rising, when you take these emotional risks. Utilizing the hiding or “cut off” strategy, your percentage for improvement goes down to almost zero. Essentially, by taking this “safe” route, you almost eliminate your chances for healing, altogether. Yet, this is the route countless numbers of us opt for, over and over and over, often scratching our heads with “now, why isn’t this working????”
There are no guarantees that your emotional risk efforts will improve the relationship, but they drastically raise the potential and possibility.
Chances are, if your fears of self revelation are stratospheric, you have made attempts, possibly long ago, and more than likely made an unflinching, binding decision, at that age “never again.” Please take some time to decipher whether or not you have bound yourself to an unrealistic paradigm. Something black and white, such as “either I put myself out there and am guaranteed eternal, perfect love OR I never reach out and risk emotionally again, living in eternal lockdown,” will need to be revisited.
One way of viewing this is as more of a process. Consider gradually testing the waters for safe people, keeping an eye out for mutuality and reciprocity. Despite monstrous cravings for the “eternal promise of eternal perfect love,” you may need to pull back A LITTLE, if you are not detecting mutuality. Try to avoid throwing your entire emotional self out onto the mercy of another, particularly, another whom you barely know. Another way of looking at this is staying away from all or nothing and either/or thinking.
Taking gradual steps make much more logical sense and is FAR LESS dangerous to the sensitive, tentative nature lurking somewhere in all of us. It greatly reduces the platform for “re-shaming.” There is still risk involved, but not the risk for total emotional annihilation. Think moderation.
Fortunately, we are not eternally locked into prisons of emotional bargains we may have made with our much younger selves. We always have free will and choice. We have the ability to take a close look at what it is that motivates and moves and scares us. We can seek to name it, to own it, and to be accountable for it. We can also evolve in how we love, share ourselves, and attach. Our shame can be healed.